But this isn’t about me. I just tend to make it that way.
Former NFL-er, Corey Dillon, is (possibly was, now) a fan of the 430, so he bought one and wanted to do some work on it and add some upgrades to it to make it faster, a twin-turbo system according to stories I’ve read. FYI, it costs over $1000 to change the oil in one of those Italian stallions from a certified spot, and we aint talkin’ Jiffy Lube. I don’t know if there was necessary work that needed to be done to the car outside of performance enhancements. So, he drops around $55,000 to make it happen.
That was Mr. Dillon’s first mistake.
I repeat, “480+ hp, 0-60 in 4.0 sec., 190+ mph.” A Ferrari needs an upgrade like Halle Berry needs plastic surgery.
That means it doesn’t, and she doesn’t. Try to keep up with me, kiddies. I know most of you don’t understand Italian or &91!$# for that matter.
This excerpt below is the from Ferrari’s American site.
The only company in the world to consistently apply Formula 1 technology to its production cars, Ferrari prides itself on building some of the finest high-performance road cars available today.
This is Ferrari’s way of telling anyone generous enough to part with over $200,000:
*cues George Lopez accent*
*pounds on chest several times*
I got this!
Now I like to have nice things just like you
But I’m from Brooklyn certain s--- you just don’t do. -Mos Def, "Got"
You don’t put barbeque sauce on fillet mignon. You don’t give GW a second term (Thanks for that, no seriously). You don’t make suggestions on how you would improve the Mona Lisa. You don’t believe 100 percent of what any rapper says in his/her music. You don’t eat anything with beans on a first date. You don’t say, “Yes,” to the, “Does this make me look fat,” question. You don’t go to a University of Michigan football game wearing an Ohio State Jersey (okay, maybe this year), and you don’t do anything to a Ferrari. Is it possible? Of course. Is it a good idea, probably not. If you are going to do some aftermarket work on a Ferrari, get it done by some read-deal folks (like Hamman). Chances are, the best aftermarket spots for Ferraris (Although I'm sure there are some decent spots stateside) are outside the U.S. After all, they built the car, but I'm no expert.
Anyway, back to the story. So many, many moons go by—about 14 months’ worth—, and Corey’s super-fast car is yet to be made super-fasterer. In the midst of all this, the people who were supposed to make the upgrade to the car somehow convince Corey to invest $470,000 in the actual shop that was supposed to do the work. Now Corey’s out over a half mil, and his Ferrari F430 still only does a measly 190 mph. He eventually takes the car to another shop, drops another 34K to make it, “driveable.”
*bangs head on desk, takes bathroom break, refreshes cup of tea*
Now Corey’s pissed and wants his money back, understandable. He claims the Ferrari fixers spent the money on “fast food, perfume, liquor, groceries and gasoline.”
My math might be off, but let me see. $550,000 (I’ll round it down, because it already hurts too much) could get:
196,428 Animal Style Double Doubles from Inn & Out Burger
Or
1 Meeellion White Castles
Or
114,087 Gut(thrie’s) boxes, one with extra toast, no slaw, extra sauce (FAMU, anyone?)
Or
2 kidney-shaped swimming pools filled with High Karate
Or
66,344 5 fl. Oz. bottles of Brut cologne
Or
550,000 mini bottles of alcohol found on liquor store counters nationwide
Or
3 entire shopping carts (filled to the brim) at Whole Foods
Or
1 month’s worth of premium gasoline (Mid 2008 price, Pre-Obama era. … Coincidence?)
Or
3 Ferrari F430's
Or
550 hours with Ashley Dupre
Damnit! I forgot to include lawyer fees! Disregard the above calculations.
This is why you have financial advisers. This is why you save your money, children.
Guy with a lot of money: Hey, I’m thinking of opening a couple of Porkchop-on-a-Stick franchises, but I’m not sure where.
Financial adviser: Why?
Guy with a lot of money: Well, I like pork chops on sticks.
Financial adviser: Fair enough. Where were you thinking of opening them? Have you scouted locations?
Guy with a lot of money: I’ve narrowed it down to two locations. The first one is on Rader St., right around the corner from the PETA office. You can see the bay from there. It's a beautiful view.
Financial adviser: . …
Guy with a lot of money: The second is next to the Boulevard Veterinary Hospital for Integrative Healing. I already put a down payment on both of them. I was thinking of even going as far as Nebraska and Wisconsin, but all they eat is corn and cheese over there.
Financial adviser: What!? Why didn’t you. …
*Financial adviser bangs head on desk, takes bathroom break, refreshes cup of tea*
Guy with a lot of money: Where you going? We’re also gonna have smoked turkey legs. … You know. … For vegetarians.
*financial adviser returns, googles "Japanese ritual suicide"*
I don’t know Corey Dillon, never followed his career, didn’t even know he was retired. I am not losing sleep over this, and I have absolutely no problem with this man. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, and he has a right to spend his money how he wants to. Maybe he likes to race, and cars are his thing. Normally I wouldn’t write about something like this, but judging how I wrote an entire song this morning in my head while still in bed at 7 a.m. it’s safe to say I’m in a writing mood. There I go, making it all about me again. Seriously, I really just want people to learn from the mistakes of others. Use (not spend) your money wisely. Many times when you see these people on TV flashing all this money--whether athlete or musician, other entertainer etc.--the people who can afford to pay them are often in some country like Sweden or France. The same goes for all that nice clothes and expensive alcohol. We gotta be fly, swagged out, trill, gangsta or whatever crap we're calling ourselves nowadays in order to make ourselves feel better about ourselves, and we have to let everyone know it at all times.
*Takes photo in bathroom mirror wearing ridiculous sunglasses, throws up imaginary gang sign, sets as default profile picture, caption reads, "supaswag - Kia ownzz only".*
After all, "Jockin' Rober Kuok, J-jockin' Robert Kuok," just doesn't have the same ring to it.
Corey Dillon could’ve just purchased the Ferrari Enzo (approx. $700,000-1M, v12, 660 hp, 0-62 mph in 3.6 sec., top speed 217 mph) and saved himself the headache or merely savored the supercar he already had and bathed in 55,000 1-dollar bills a-la Scrooge McDuck, unless 217 mph isn’t fast enough.
Regardless of what I say, Corey Dillon got, got, and I hope he can get at least some of his money back. I can't stand a crook. I remember when I was around 19 I got got for about $5,000 by some shady car people (Watch out for those car auctions.). I got most of it back, though, thanks to a blood-thirsty lawyer. ... Should've listened to my girl at the time when she said, "I'm going to the bathroom. Don't buy a car until I get back." I think she went #2, because I couldn't have possibly lost all that money while she pee pee.
*gags at thought of ex going #2, again for losing all that money while she pee pee.*
(note to self: stop making this about self)
And if anyone is interested, I have some land for sale that’s made out of sugar. It’s about 25 miles southwest of Houston.
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